Tooth Fairy
What is with the huge disparity in money/gifts received from the Tooth Fairy? Remember when it was just generally accepted that it was 25 cents? No one got more…no one got less. Well, I suppose our parents got a nickel or a dime, but we ALL got a quarter. All of us. We didn’t have to check with each other. We knew what the payout was. So, of course, there has been inflation. I get that. I may even be willing to agree to $1 a tooth. Can we all just agree to this? But seriously, $5, $10 or $20 is ridiculous! More money for molars? Really…Really? You all do realize that it is a natural process. It is no more difficult to lose a molar than an incisor. We can all agree on that, right? And in all seriousness, no one but no one deserves a Wii or a PS III, much less even a Barbie or a skateboard, for losing a tooth! Really…Really?
Newspaper Comics
Is it just me or does anybody else find newspaper comics or cartoons annoying and tedious, yet we feel compelled to read them? You’ve already guessed the punch line in the first frame but you read on to the end anyway… and you were right…you predicted it. And you force a wan smile…Hmmm that was cute…well, not really…kind of stupid actually… and a little boring…Move on… next one… even worse….Oh well, can’t get that time back.
The one possible exception is when you were 7 years old, and you got some Silly Putty and flattened it against the comic to get the mirror image imprinted on the putty… and let’s face it, even as cool as this was, the thrill only lasted so long …After you do it once or twice, it really loses its allure…And who thought of this Silly Putty and who told us to do that with it??? Oh and Why does Silly Putty come in an egg? Really…Really?
All About Teeth
12 year molars….Really …Really? Have they been growing all along? Really for 12 years… specifically for 12 years? And they just pop out right at that 12th year. Doesn’t that strike anyone as odd? Really?
And what about braces? Could these be any more barbaric? Aren’t we a bit too vain? Who decided it is most attractive to have straight teeth anyway? And why do we all get sucked in and live w/ that aching pain? Isn’t it a bit archaic? And what about headgear? Really…Really? Were they serious? Did they really think kids ought to be subjected to that for any reason?
Well, at least when I had braces, it was once and done. Admittedly it took YEARS to get your braces off, but now we have “phases”…Really…Really? What are the odds your child will need an additional phase, if the poor kid has already undergone one phase? I think you can bank on it. REALLY!
Halloween
Halloween
Halloween… Hmmm… Although I do have a fondness for this holiday, several quandaries spring to mind each year. My first question is why can’t they make costumes differently for those of us in the northern half of the country? I think this is a winning idea that would sell. That thin, frilly little princess costume loses something when stretched taut over your daughter’s giant winter coat, causing her to look like the Michelin Man. It makes it extremely difficult to walk, much less wield a treat bag and run around. Not to mention her tiny sparkling tiara – when it sits atop her head over top of her brother’s ski mask, it kind of ruins the desired effect somehow. Couldn’t we just get the costume manufacturers to make thicker, thermal yet adorable costumes for those of us (a large portion of the country in late October) who are likely trick-or-treating in less than optimal weather year after year?
And how old do we think is too old to trick or treat? Not sure where I stand on this one. I find it extremely sad when these childhood traditions are outgrown and fall by the wayside. Then again…If you’re old enough to drive and taller than me, I probably don’t want to hand you a treat … especially because you are likely wearing the clothes you wore to school today and carrying a pillow case for me to fill. Really?… Seems a little off. Reminds me a little of a gentle hold-up but without the weapons.
And what about the candy? Nowadays, kids expect the full size chocolate bars because some of you actually buy these, while the rest of us realize that these kids are likely going to at least 75 houses. I don’t think they’re going to run short on candy! Remember when we were little? We were lucky if we had a couple of the small chocolate bars mixed in with the couple dozen hard candies, tiny tootsie rolls and a few baggies of pennies.
Incidentally, what was with the pennies anyway? Did you forget it was Halloween, saw the giant coin jar out of the corner of your eye, grabbed some baggies, and thought –Sure… Why not? Well, I will tell you why not…No one but NO ONE really wants pennies on this day. It is a little like when Charlie Brown gets the rock in his trick or treat bag. In fact, if we’re being honest, no one wants “healthy snacks” either! Really?…Really? For this one day a year, can’t the kids just enjoy the decadent thrill of tearing through the neighborhood and returning home with a loot bag full of sugary, chocolatey treats to dump on the floor and marvel at like a pirate swoons over treasure? I say – Yes. Really.
Self-Help Books
Self help books- Everybody buys them at some point. You know how it goes. It is kind of bothering you that you never finish all the things on your to-do list or maybe you’ve realized that the last time you served your kids vegetables was almost 4 months ago. So you resolve to fix this problem and stop by the book store. You walk in nonchalantly, pretend that you are just browsing, then skulk into the self-help section with your head lowered. You are hoping no one you know has seen you there. You get nervous, frustrated… Too many choices…Too many people are there today, so you just head home. You will order your book on Amazon instead. Yes, you feel better.
The inspiring tome arrives in the mail promising to put a stop to sibling rivalry in 10 days or less, or to make you an extra million a year if you just follow these few easy steps. You are hopeful…You slip the book on a shelf. You will read it later. Really, you will… A couple days pass… a week. Guilt turns to annoyance. Couldn’t whatever is in the stupid book just sink in by osmosis somehow? Now, not only are you not finishing your to-do list, but you have added something to it! I mean, you had good intentions… you meant to get to it…you have even picked it up several times…and even opened it once but something came up and you put it back on the shelf.
After a short period of self loathing, you get angry…let’s face it.–nobody really reads these things! We all buy them in a moment of quiet desperation with the best of intentions, but seriously who really wants to sit down and go through it page by page? Really…Really? The more you think about it, the more indignant you become. Get real! The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People? How arrogant and offensive is that title? How do they know I am not one of those type people? Or better still, how about retitling it The Seriously Annoying Tendencies of Anal-Retentive Overachievers? The stinkers…Who do they think they are? Eating Well All the Days of Your Life… Really…Really? What a load of crap! I am going to go make myself an ice cream sundae!
Regifting
What’s with giving out party favors that surpass the gifts??? And then giving out thank yous for the gifts after you’ve already given the hugely extravagant party favor??? Is this just to shame those of us who think there is really no need to do this birthday gift thing in the first place? Is this because I regifted your kid’s birthday gift from the stash of crap my kid received at her last birthday??? Really…Really? Is it just me or do the rest the of you do this, too? (Seriously, do you do this?)
REGIFTING: Well, the jury is still out- There are rules- It can only be so crappy a gift, unless you happen to know the recipient would really like it. It is best to not have already been used, so that the recipient is not immediately aware that it is, in fact, a regift. For example, my father-in-law once gave me an ice scraper built into a sheepskin mitt/glove…the one that he kept on the back shelf of his car. How did I know? Besides the fact that I had seen it in his car for years, when I opened it, one side was completely bleached out from the years it sat in the sun, while the other side was a completely darker shade. This, of course, screamed REGIFT…Really…Really? Seriously, how expensive could these be? You couldn’t have sucked it up and purchased a new one????? Clearly on the ride to my house you came up with this gift idea. Why bother? While it’s usually true, it’s the thought that counts, it is probably best if the gift does not scream thoughtLESS. Really…Really?
Hotels And Breakfasts
So you go to a hotel that holds conservatively 1000 plus people, I am just guessing here, stick w/ me….And its breakfast “nook” holds (and you need the quotes for “nook”) what should we say?–maybe 20 people on a good day, of rather small humans who are not worried about room or personal space. Can someone please explain to me why the hotel designers really think no more than 20 of the 1000 plus guests have any chance of showing up at the same time? Seriously, don’t we all wait till the last half hour to grab breakfast?
Okay, so my fellow free breakfast goers all meet downstairs…The difference is I have bothered to put on some form of clothing – something in the clothing/daytime wear category…Now granted I may not be dolled up in full makeup and such, but I am appropriately dressed or rather clothed. And some of you, whom I really am not familiar enough with to view this way, are wearing your clearly favorite, just-rolled-out-of-bed pajama bottoms…Really…Really? I mean you had to walk past your suitcase on the way out the door, didn’t you? You couldn’t have bothered to stop and put on something resembling daywear. You must have seen your pants, you know, even the ones from yesterday, but you actually thought “Naaaa….why bother? Who is going to see me?” Well, I saw you and your husband who was similarly clad. I do want to thank you for taking the time to put on the bra (which was likely right next to your PANTS!) I really didn’t need to see that. Really…Really?
Hotel Breakfasts…. So the food itself at these freebie breakfast bars does leave a lot to be desired. One marvels at the various ways one can ruin eggs. You have either the super wet, runny scrambled eggs, the egg “circles” or pucks- (really not eggs at all)…or if you are truly lucky, your egg circle might contain shredded bacon and cheese. So you might want to just stick to a battered breakfast choice. However, my last experience with pancakes, steamed for the typical 4 hours, was unpleasant to say the least. After hoarding as many little tiny syrup packets as possible leftover at other’s peoples’ tables, I prepare to cut into my small slathered stack, but alas with my super sharp plastic knife, I find I am unable to penetrate this rock-like substance. Clearly, I should have headed to the line to toast an English Muffin instead, but as that line stretched out past the “nook” and into the hotel’s front desk, I decided to just grab a bruised banana and call it a loss….Yeah free breakfast! Really…Really?
Beach Incident
So I am sitting on a blanket at the beach, admittedly to the far left of my blanket, when I feel my back brushed by a small gust as a pair of flip flops are thrown just behind me tossing sand onto my back. As I look over my left shoulder, I realize that not more than 18 inches from me and my blanket is someone plunging an umbrella into the sand and rocking it back and forth like you do to bury it deeper. With every rock, this “someone” is just about catching my hair on the end of his umbrella. Next he is followed by six others all about to take their places on one small blanket, which of course, is now actually touching my butt! Really…Really? I mean I get that beaches today are often overcrowded, and clearly we cannot expect that everyone shares a true sense of personal space not to mention common courtesy, but you have got to be kidding me! Your feet are actually going to be touching my butt….Really…Really?
Year-In-Review-Christmas Letters
Year-in-Review Christmas Letters
The Christmas season is upon us… carols are on the radio…holiday lights are strung…the hunt for perfect gifts has begun…addressing the multitude of cards to be sent has started…
And what about the “year-in-review” letter instead of a simple Christmas card? Isn’t this getting a little out of hand? I mean really…Your husband won the Nobel Peace Prize; your son just received a full academic scholarship to Oxford; your daughter has just made the Olympic gymnastics team AND you all spent most of the summer helping displaced Haitians??? Really…Really? Hasn’t this attempt to catch each other up on the year’s news become a total bragfest?
Is this the latest “keep up with the Joneses” and are we compelled to compete? Or should we go another way? What if we add a dose of reality to these letters? For example, what if the letter said… “daughter Amy is given to wild mood swings lately. We expect/hope she will get her period any day now…Son Bill was cut from wrestling team and is having friend trouble at the lunch table…Too much to do and husband has a wicked cold and is being really whiny about it (or is that me?) Anyhow…Happy Holidays from our house to yours!” Just a thought! Bet you wouldn’t feel as bad about your own woes if you read this one.
And shouldn’t there be a rule about the length of such epistles? They should absolutely NOT be more than one page. Further, you should NOT adjust the font and point size so that you can cram more into that one page! Leave something OUT! Think about how many of these darn things everyone has to read at this, the busiest, most exhausting time of the year! No one will be the loser if you forget to mention Susie’s preschool pageant. Can we all just agree to keep it short and sweet?
And further, don’t you feel just a little excited/relieved when you open a card that does NOT include the letter? It’s actually refreshing. You find yourself thinking – I really like those Johnsons. Maybe I will have to give them a call in the New Year and find out how things are going with them because I don’t already know. There was NO letter. And now I find myself wanting to know. Maybe this is a good thing….Maybe everyone would start getting in touch with each other simply because of the brief greeting of the traditional Christmas card itself! Or maybe not.
Really...Really? 
Recent Comments